Pages
Categories
Archives
Meta
Author: Megan
~ 12/02/09
Camouflage
Everyday I think I get closer
I get closer to blending, bending like them.
Out of no where comes this reminder
This is harder than I ever dreamt.
These demons just pop up no matter where I am
Whatever the progression towards a comfortable feel
They hit me so hard and unexpectedly
So invisible, this pain, but so incredibly real.
I pretend to be unaffected
But the attempt is more obvious than the admission.
Now will they all know and shun me?
Will they feed me further in my depression?
* I wrote this after having somewhat of a panic attack after English class. The discussion in this class was centered on a play that had been written from the point of view of a survivor of childhood abuse- her uncle had been a pedophile. Hearing everyone else’s opinions on the narrator not only made my own past come screaming out at me, but it made me feel extremely exposed. I almost lost it in class, but I just waited till I got outside.
Hi Megan,
First, I’m sorry. Next, your writing is very good and if you don’t mind I wanted to share with you some ideas that Theresa and I have talked about before.
Your feelings and memories of your event are real. They are actually wired neurons in your brain that recall the event and the feelings when something triggers the memory. I know that doesn’t sound good but it is actually the hope to change it. Your brain can be rewired by you with your thoughts. It is simple but not easy.
When you have these feelings you must become aware of them, as you are, but at that point you need to choose a different way to look at them. One way would instead of judging yourself as damaged or wrong in some way (which is what society seems to want to do with sexual assault victims) see the perpetrator as the damaged one. How sick and broken do they have to be to commit one of these acts. You are the injured person not the broken one, they are.
It may help to change your physical presence when you feel one of these memories coming on before you try to change your view. The simplest is one we got from our teacher Stephen Hayes, take a deep breath in saying “Here” and then exhale saying “now”. It is the shortest meditation there is and is very powerful. At that moment you can then try to change your view of the event.
The last thing I wanted to mention is your feeling of exposure when these come up. I understand you feel like everyone in the room knows but they don’t. People are unaware creatures that walk around in a bubble of their own thoughts barely noticing the world around them. Research has tested this and one example they found is that if you were to walk around with a stain on your shirt all day only 11% of the people (just 1 of 10) would even notice.
The camouflage you seek is in their lack of awareness.
Good luck and keep on writing.
Comment by Dennis Mahoney — December 3, 2009 @ 7:14 pm
Megan,
I’d like to first say thank you for having the courage to post and share your writing. The strength it takes to publically share a need to hide is immense, but it is a strength that others may, like myself, find heartening.
Secondly I’d like to echo Dennis’ comment about other people’s level of awareness. Most people are fairly oblivious of their immediate surroundings including the people in them. I know from experience that that can be hard to believe particularly if you are hypervigilant to your own surroundings, but it’s true. Even on the rare occasions that someone does notice something “off,” they are more likely to attribute it to something in their own experience. If, for example, you had been visibly shaking and the room happened to be chilly, most people would just assume that you were shivering from being cold. Because I’ve always been prone to shaking uncontrollably in panic attack like situations, I used to (and sometimes still do!) use this neat trick: Carry a coffee cup or travel mug with you. It’s been my experience that most people, if they notice at all, will merely think you’re over-caffeinated. Regardless of what you may have in your cup or mug, if someone should comment that perhaps you should switch to decaf, just reply, “You think?” Let them assume what they will.
Lastly, congratulations on making it through the class. Given the context of the discussion, that was no small feat and you should praise yourself for it. While it should always be within your rights to briefly leave class to center yourself, perhaps using the “Here/Now” meditation, you’ll be able to draw on this experience to bolster yourself should you encounter a similar situation. After all, despite feeling anxious and exposed, you made it!
As Dennis so aptly said, it may be simple, but it is certainly not easy. I know on any given day I have a 40-60% chance of following my own advice. I wish you the most compassion, strength, courage and fortune as you forge your path.
Comment by Dani — December 7, 2009 @ 3:16 am
Thank you so much for your comment Dani! I know most of the time I feel like I’m in a fish bowl, but most people are just floating around with me too busy to notice anything. Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot to me that someone is reading and responding to my writing. I should carry around a little thing of visine and next time I tear up and anyone notices I’ll just make up something silly like- my eyes get really dry and sometimes water a lot, that’s why I carry visine… I don’t know lol. Thank you very much for your insight Dani and Dennis.
Comment by Megan — December 15, 2009 @ 11:04 pm