11 Yr Old Shades

Most of the time I see in black and white

“All or nothing” and some shades of red.

Seems more concrete, wrong and right

Easier to see, alive or dead.

These eyes that see the world in these extremes

Always turn inward and try to dream

Of how I would be if I were like you

Who could see in color, like greens and blues.

I feel like I’ll never get there, every year that goes by

I still feel my smile is sometimes a lie

I still wait for the poison after the bite

I wait for the pain, my breathing so tight.

Somedays I give up the hope that I’ll ever be

Someone those people would ever want to see.

Afraid that I’m destined to be an alien to all

Afraid that I’ve spent too much time building this wall.

That even when I myself try to escape

Crazy, odd, naked and they all start to gape.

Tainted, painted with grays and browns

Taught to laugh in uneasy frowns

This ugly duckling just wants to be free

Someday I’ll actually be happy to be me.

Often I feel as if I’m stuck being ten in my mind and I really hate it and sometimes I feel like I wish I could Actually BE ten again.. or eleven